The Cynic: May 27

BUSINESS
This Week’s Business News

Neuralink Now Worth $9 Billion—Apparently, Brain Chips Are In

Because what’s one more billionaire in your head?
Elon Musk’s Neuralink has raised new capital at a $9 billion valuation, according to Semafor. That’s right—while you’re still waiting on your student loan forgiveness, investors are betting big on Bluetooth for your brain.

The company is moving fast and poking faster.
Neuralink recently implanted its first chip in a human and is now working on fixing a movement glitch—because “minor motor control bug” is apparently an acceptable patch note when dealing with actual brains.

We’re a few fundraises away from neural ads in your dreams.
The promise is mind-controlled devices. The risk? Autocorrect in your cerebellum.

U.S. May Hold Stake in U.S. Steel to Soothe Nippon Buyout Jitters

A little nationalization with your global merger?
To ease concerns about Japanese firm Nippon Steel acquiring U.S. Steel, the U.S. government might hold on to a symbolic stake. Think of it as a financial pinky promise.

The goal is optics, not control.
Officials aren’t planning to run the steel mills—just to show Americans that someone, somewhere, technically still has a foot in the door.

It’s a stake, not a strategy.
Critics say it’s mostly theater. Supporters say it’s about leverage. Everyone agrees it’s more PR than metallurgy.

Elon Musk’s Mars Plan: Hope, Hype, and Starship

If it blows up, talk louder about the future.
Elon Musk is planning a big Mars-focused presentation ahead of Starship’s next launch—because nothing says confidence like pivoting to interplanetary travel after a couple Earth-based mishaps.

It’s called vision, not distraction.
The upcoming test follows several dramatic failures, but Musk is sticking to the big red planet narrative. Think TED Talk meets Risk Assessment.

If at first you don’t succeed, aim higher—literally.
Starship may have exploded last time, but the dream lives on. And if it crashes again, hey, at least the keynote was inspiring.

REAL ESTATE
This Week’s Real Estate News

Trump Eyes Privatizing Fannie and Freddie—Rates Could Follow

Mortgage reform, but make it campaign-season friendly.
Donald Trump has revived calls to privatize Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, arguing that cutting government ties could lead to better efficiency—and possibly lower mortgage rates.

It’s a plan that’s been pitched before, but now with added urgency.
Privatization advocates say it’s time to let these housing giants operate like businesses. Critics worry it might hike costs or reduce access for low-income buyers.

No major changes yet—but the conversation’s heating up.
Whether this is policy or campaign fuel remains to be seen, but the idea’s back on the table, and so are debates about affordability.

Homebuilders Offer Bigger Discounts—Because Hope Is Not a Sales Strategy

Buyers aren’t biting, so builders are bribing.
Incentives are stacking up—free upgrades, rate buydowns, and yes, even cash—because builders are struggling to get shoppers off the fence in this high-rate market.

It’s less a sale than a clearance rack.
With fewer new contracts and a lot of standing inventory, homebuilders are tossing perks like confetti at a sad party.

Buy now, get bonus granite and existential dread.
The discounts might help, but only if rates stop scaring off qualified buyers. For now, it’s bargain-hunting meets 7% mortgages.

Builders Now Offering Homes and Hope (While Supplies Last)

Homebuilders are now throwing in everything but emotional support.
With mortgage rates hovering near anxiety-attack levels, buyers have become harder to attract than a Gen Z intern to a 9-to-5. So builders are piling on incentives—cash credits, mortgage buydowns, and even finished basements that don’t scream “unfinished dreams.”

It’s not a sale, it’s a marketing cry for help.
According to Realtor.com, the number of builders offering incentives is at its highest level in years. Translation: they’d rather give you a stainless steel dishwasher than sit on unsold inventory while rates continue to sabotage closing tables.

Buy now, before they throw in a small boat.
Builders are hoping the sweeteners will offset rate sticker shock. But with affordability still an issue, even a free kitchen island might not be enough to convince America to rejoin the housing market Hunger Games.

BREAKING NEWS
This Week’s Headlines

1. Russia Launches Largest Attack on Kyiv in Months, Then Swaps Prisoners
Ukraine reports over 70 missiles and drones launched at Kyiv—followed by a surprise prisoner exchange that feels a little like sending flowers after breaking the windows.

2. Israel Faces Mounting Pressure From Allies Over Gaza War
U.S. and European allies are pushing Israel for a ceasefire deal as the Gaza war drags on—while Netanyahu’s coalition pulls in the opposite direction.

3. Russia Creating ‘Buffer Zone’ at Ukraine Border, Claims Land Is Now Security Policy
Moscow says it's clearing Ukrainian towns near the border to protect Russian territory, while the West says it looks a lot like an old-school land grab with a PR facelift.

4. Georgia Man Dies in Police Custody After Telling Officers He Couldn’t Breathe
Qaaadir Lewis begged officers for help before collapsing in a jail cell; state officials are now investigating, again.

5. Kim Kardashian Cleared of All Charges in Paris Fashion Week Lawsuit
A French court ruled in favor of Kim K after she was accused of breaching fashion event contracts—proving yet again that designer drama can go all the way to court.

FUN
Riddle Me This

I get assessed but never praised. I rise when the market’s hot, and when you finally sell me, I take one last bite. What am I?

Reply to this email with the answer for a chance to win a surprise

ADVICE
This Week’s Business Advice

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