The Cynic: May 24

BUSINESS
This Week’s Business News

Vietnam Moves to Block Telegram—Because Emojis Are Dangerous

Vietnam is putting Telegram in timeout.
Citing concerns over illegal content and “toxic information,” a government document reveals Vietnam is working with ISPs to block the encrypted messaging app Telegram. Because nothing says national security like banning GIFs.

The target? Scammers, not memes. Allegedly.
Officials claim the platform has been used for everything from cybercrime to drug trafficking—though, oddly, the crackdown comes with little public explanation and no official announcement.

So if you’re texting in Vietnam, try a paper plane.
With access throttled and government pressure mounting, Vietnamese users may soon find Telegram about as useful as a fax machine in a thunderstorm.

EU to Trump: Can You Clarify That 50% Tariff Threat, or Nah?

The EU just wants to know if it’s being punished again.
After Trump floated a 50% tariff on Chinese goods, European officials are now nervously asking whether they’re caught in the crossfire. So far, they’ve received... radio silence.

Diplomacy is hard when trade policy changes by tweet.
Brussels is eager to understand if transatlantic supply chains will be disrupted or if it’s just China in the hot seat. In true EU fashion, they’re trying to schedule a polite clarification.

The only thing clear is that nothing is clear.
For now, officials are stuck guessing while preparing for every scenario—from new duties to awkward summits. Welcome to geopolitics, 2025 edition.

Trump Says U.S. Steel Will Remain American… With Help From Japan

It’s not foreign ownership if you squint.
In an effort to cool backlash over Nippon Steel’s purchase of U.S. Steel, Trump clarified that a new agreement will keep operations in the U.S. and “American-led.” Translation: Made in America, directed by Tokyo.

It’s a partnership, not a takeover—promise.
Trump assured supporters the deal will create jobs and secure steel production, even if the parent company is headquartered in Japan. A patriotic compromise, steel-clad in diplomacy.

Steel mills, nationalism, and polite global capitalism.
This is one of those “foreign but friendly” deals where flags stay red, white and blue—but the wiring comes with subtitles.

REAL ESTATE
This Week’s Real Estate News

NOAA Warns of Hurricane Surge—and So Do Your Insurance Premiums

This year’s hurricane forecast comes with a financial aftershock.
NOAA expects an “extraordinary” number of storms in 2025, and insurance companies are already pricing that forecast into your premiums faster than you can say “Category 4.”

Hurricanes used to be natural disasters—now they’re actuarial ones.
With record sea temperatures and La Niña looming, insurers say it’s not a matter of if but when. Homeowners in coastal states are bracing for two storms: one meteorological, one financial.

So yes, your next premium quote may come with a life raft.
If the wind doesn’t blow your roof off, inflation just might. Welcome to the season of stormwatch and surcharge.

Want to Save Money? Appeal Your Property Taxes, Says Literally Everyone

Turns out the government makes mistakes—especially about your home’s value.
New homeowners are being encouraged to challenge their property tax assessments, which are often based on inflated or outdated values. In other words: your house might be cheaper than your bill.

It’s like a Black Friday sale on your tax bill.
While the process isn’t exactly streamlined, successful appeals can shave hundreds or even thousands off annual payments. Just bring receipts—and possibly emotional leverage.

If Zillow says it’s less, why not fight back?
Homeowners who play defense now might save big later. And who doesn’t love fighting bureaucracy with bureaucracy?

Lumber Duties Might Be Quietly Killing Your Dream Home

Your new house costs more because trees have lawyers now.
The U.S. Commerce Department is jacking up tariffs on Canadian lumber again, and that means housing prices—already stressed—might need a defibrillator.

Trade policy strikes again, this time in plank form.
Homebuilders warn the higher duties could push up costs for new construction, delay projects, and generally make everything that much more “premium”—except your living space.

Because obviously the housing market wasn’t fragile enough.
Just in time for spring construction, we get one more ingredient in the price soup that is building a home in 2025.

BREAKING NEWS
This Week’s Headlines

1. Russia Launches Largest Attack on Kyiv in Months, Then Swaps Prisoners
Ukraine reports over 70 missiles and drones launched at Kyiv—followed by a surprise prisoner exchange that feels a little like sending flowers after breaking the windows.

2. Israel Faces Mounting Pressure From Allies Over Gaza War
U.S. and European allies are pushing Israel for a ceasefire deal as the Gaza war drags on—while Netanyahu’s coalition pulls in the opposite direction.

3. Russia Creating ‘Buffer Zone’ at Ukraine Border, Claims Land Is Now Security Policy
Moscow says it's clearing Ukrainian towns near the border to protect Russian territory, while the West says it looks a lot like an old-school land grab with a PR facelift.

4. Georgia Man Dies in Police Custody After Telling Officers He Couldn’t Breathe
Qaaadir Lewis begged officers for help before collapsing in a jail cell; state officials are now investigating, again.

5. Kim Kardashian Cleared of All Charges in Paris Fashion Week Lawsuit
A French court ruled in favor of Kim K after she was accused of breaching fashion event contracts—proving yet again that designer drama can go all the way to court.

FUN
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I get assessed but never praised. I rise when the market’s hot, and when you finally sell me, I take one last bite. What am I?

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ADVICE
This Week’s Business Advice

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