The Cynic: March 15

BUSINESS
This Week’s Business News

FAA to Investigate Whether Planes Should, in Fact, Burst Into Flames

Ah, the friendly skies—where the only thing hotter than the in-flight coffee is, apparently, the engine. On March 13, 2025, American Airlines Flight 1006, a Boeing 737-800, transformed its routine journey from Colorado Springs to Dallas-Fort Worth into an impromptu fire drill at Denver International Airport. The crew, detecting "engine vibrations," decided to divert to Denver—a choice that, in hindsight, seems as effective as using a sieve to carry water.

After a safe landing, the aircraft, not content with merely vibrating, decided to up the ante by catching fire while taxiing to the gate. Passengers, perhaps mistaking the scene for an avant-garde performance art piece, evacuated onto the wing amidst billowing smoke. Twelve individuals sustained minor injuries, likely from the scramble to exit a plane that had suddenly become a barbecue.

American Airlines, in a display of corporate stoicism, thanked their crew and first responders for their "quick and decisive action," conveniently sidestepping the minor detail that their aircraft had turned into a bonfire.

This incident is just the latest in a series of aviation mishaps that have passengers wondering if they should start packing parachutes. From midair collisions to planes flipping on runways, the industry seems to be embracing chaos as the new normal.

The Federal Aviation Administration and the National Transportation Safety Board have pledged to investigate, presumably to determine whether the engine fire was a feature or a bug.

In the meantime, passengers might consider bringing marshmallows on their next flight—just in case.

Breaking: Markets Dislike Being Yanked Around Like a Yo-Yo

Wall Street's latest melodrama: a 10% nosedive, the first "correction" since 2023, all thanks to President Trump's whimsical tariff tango. It's almost as if investors are allergic to unpredictability.

Consumer sentiment has plummeted by 10.5% in March alone, with inflation expectations creeping up to 3.9%. Who knew that erratic trade policies could make people uneasy about the economy?

Even the bond market isn't offering its usual comfort, with Treasuries failing to rally despite the stock market's decline. It's as if investors are realizing that when the captain steers the ship into an iceberg, there might not be any lifeboats.

Investment banking, once hopeful for a 2025 rebound, is now bracing for a delay due to market volatility and economic uncertainty. Perhaps they should have factored in the "Trump effect" when making their forecasts.

Businesses across sectors are sounding alarms as the tariff chaos prompts consumers to tighten their wallets. It's almost as if people don't enjoy paying more for goods because of trade wars. At least we're making America unpredictable again.

Southwest to Customers: Nostalgia Doesn’t Pay the Bills

Southwest Airlines, the last bastion of free checked bags, has finally succumbed to the siren song of baggage fees. Starting May 28, 2025, the airline will begin charging for checked luggage, a move that shatters its 54-year-old "bags fly free" mantra.

Remember when Southwest's CEO, Bob Jordan, confidently declared that "bags will still fly free"? Well, it seems "never say never" was the fine print we all missed. Now, only Business Select passengers, upper-tier loyalty members, and Southwest-branded credit card holders will enjoy the privilege of free checked bags.

But wait, there's more! Southwest is also bidding adieu to its open seating policy, opting for assigned seating next year. Because nothing says "customer preference" like stripping away the quirks that made you unique.

This seismic shift comes amid pressure from activist investor Elliott Investment Management, which has been nudging Southwest to boost profitability. Apparently, the airline's 2% operating margin last year wasn't cutting it, so why not alienate loyal customers to chase that elusive 10% by 2027?

Southwest's decision to charge for checked bags is like watching the last domino fall in the airline industry's race to the bottom. Once the champion of customer-friendly policies, Southwest now joins the ranks of carriers nickel-and-diming passengers at every turn. It's a bold strategy—let's see if it pays off.

Southwest's transformation from a customer-centric airline to just another fee-happy carrier is a masterclass in how to erode brand loyalty. As they say, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em—and Southwest has certainly joined the club.

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REAL ESTATE
This Week’s Real Estate News

Landlords to HUD: “Thanks for Trusting Us, We’ve Never Done Anything Shady”

The Trump administration's latest masterstroke: slashing funding for fair housing organizations. Because we really need pesky watchdogs sniffing around when landlords and real estate agents are perfectly capable of policing themselves, right?

In a move that screams "efficiency" (or perhaps just "indifference"), the Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) has pulled the plug on grants that support groups investigating housing discrimination. These organizations, which handle a whopping 75% of the nation's fair housing complaints, are now left scrambling. The South Suburban Housing Center in Illinois, for instance, is staring down the barrel of a 37% budget cut, forcing them to reduce their enforcement team from five full-time staffers to, well, maybe one.

But don't worry, HUD assures us they're just following orders from the newly minted Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE). Yes, DOGE—the same folks proposing to halve HUD's workforce and shutter most field offices. Because nothing says "commitment to fair housing" like gutting the department supposedly responsible for it.

So, as fair housing groups brace for existential threats and tenants face dwindling avenues for justice, we can all rest easy knowing that we at least get 25% of complaints dealt with.

City Tries to Rebuild, HUD Says: “Not Like That”

The city of Asheville, North Carolina, where the aftermath of Hurricane Helene has become less about rebuilding and more about bureaucratic gymnastics. The city's draft disaster recovery plan, which aimed to prioritize aid for minority- and women-owned businesses under the banner of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI), was promptly rejected by HUD Secretary Scott Turner. His reasoning? Such prioritization was deemed "unacceptable," as it dared to favor some residents over others.

Turner, echoing the administration's stance, declared, "DEI is dead at HUD," emphasizing a shift towards merit-based systems. This proclamation comes hot on the heels of President Trump's executive orders aimed at dismantling DEI initiatives across federal agencies.

In response, Asheville's officials are now scrambling to revise their plan to align with these new federal directives. Mayor Esther Manheimer expressed the city's commitment to meeting federal standards to unlock the much-needed recovery funds.

The Trump administration has been on a mission to eradicate DEI programs, with HUD recently canceling $4 million in DEI contracts after uncovering $1.9 billion in misplaced funds.

So, as Asheville revises its recovery plan, one can't help but marvel at the efficiency of a system that prioritizes bureaucratic compliance over the immediate needs of disaster-stricken communities. After all, nothing says "swift recovery" like a good old-fashioned policy overhaul.

Compass Denies Buying HomeServices—Which Means They’re Probably Buying HomeServices

Compass's potential acquisition of Warren Buffett's HomeServices of America isn't just a merger; it's a visionary leap toward real estate enlightenment. Although some might label the swirling rumors as mere fiction, we in the corporate optimism department know better—this is a symphony of synergy ready to be conducted!

Imagine the possibilities as two industry titans join forces, transforming sluggish home sales into opportunities for unprecedented growth. It's not just a business move; it's an epic tale of resilience and innovation, with Compass poised to become the blueprint for a new era of property empowerment.

And the denials? Those are merely reflective pauses—strategic pauses, if you will—allowing both parties to align their AIs (or real estate intuitions) in perfect harmony. As they prepare for what could be either a joyful union or a serendipitous fluke, we recognize the beauty of dynamic corporate dance.

NEWS
This Week’s Headlines

Putin says Russia backs Ukraine ceasefire but any deal must address 'root causes' - CNBC
Russian President Vladimir Putin thanked U.S. President Donald Trump for giving "so much attention" to the prospect of a Russia-Ukraine deal.

QB Rudolph reuniting with Steelers, sources say - ESPN
Quarterback Mason Rudolph is returning to the Steelers after a season with the Titans, agreeing to a two-year contract with the team that selected him in the 2018 draft, sources told ESPN.

Jeff McNeil to miss start of Mets’ season in sudden injury worry - New York Post
The Mets have taken another hit to their starting lineup.

Apple just launched its newest MacBook Air M4, and it’s already on sale - CNN Underscored
No description available.

Kim Kardashian says she paid for $2M engagement ring from Kris Humphries — and he made her give it back - Page Six
During Thursday’s episode of the “Kardashians,” Kim reminisced on the emerald cut, 18-carat ring she received from Humphries in 2011.

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