The Cynic: June 17

BUSINESS
This Week’s Business News

OpenAI just became Uncle Sam’s new AI arms dealer.

OpenAI snagged a $200 million Pentagon contract to build “frontier AI capabilities” by July 2026, serving both battlefield and bureaucratic needs near Washington. The deal comes hot on the heels of OpenAI hitting a $10 billion annualized revenue run rate and raising $40 billion in funding—so now, taxpayers get to bankroll the neural network behind your email replies.

It’s a bold pivot from “friend to humanity” to “defense contractor.”
If you’ve ever wondered what happens when your chatbot gets a security clearance, here’s your answer. While no one's saying GPT-4 is joining the Navy SEALs, OpenAI is officially playing in the military sandbox.

But hey, if Skynet ever becomes real, at least it’ll be billed through a contract line item.
The future isn’t just automated—it’s federally funded. Good luck arguing with a drone that passed the LSAT.

A US‑UK trade deal done deal—only Trump could finalize one with a 10% breeze.

Donald Trump and UK PM Keir Starmer announced a finalized trade framework at the G7, slashing aerospace tariffs to zero and cutting car duties to 10%, while steel and aluminum remain on the “we’ll talk later” list.

Under the deal, 100,000 UK-built cars get fast-tracked into America.
Meanwhile, other sectors like agriculture and ethanol were left hanging, because why make steak cheaper when you can just make planes and Range Rovers slightly less expensive?

And yes, the actual deal blew away in the wind—literally.
At the press conference, papers went flying and Starmer had to chase them down. Free trade, but make it slapstick.

Truth Social is launching a Bitcoin–Ether ETF—because politics wasn’t wild enough.

Trump Media filed with the SEC to launch an ETF holding 75% Bitcoin and 25% Ether, aiming to list it on NYSE Arca. Fees? Undisclosed. Vibes? Maximal.

Crypto.com will serve as custodian, which feels oddly poetic.
Because what better way to own a piece of decentralized freedom than through a centralized offshore exchange? The ETF is part of a wider Trump-adjacent crypto blitz that already includes meme coins and a Bitcoin treasury.

It’s official: crypto and politics are now dating, and it's getting serious.
The line between meme stock and political ideology has never been blurrier—or more tradeable.

REAL ESTATE
This Week’s Real Estate News

The Fed is holding rates steady—and mortgage holders are holding their breath.

The Fed is expected to keep interest rates unchanged at its June meeting, despite pressure from Trump for a full point cut. The market’s betting on a September rate cut instead.

Core inflation is cooling, but not enough to trigger the confetti.
Unemployment is creeping up, but not enough to trigger panic. Basically, everything’s kind of mid, and that’s enough to keep rates stuck in purgatory.

So, your mortgage rate stays soul-crushing—for now.
The Fed's motto right now? “Let’s not rock the boat… unless it’s a yacht.”

Mortgage demand just spiked—which is wild, considering rates are still unforgiving.

Applications jumped 12.5% last week, reaching the highest level in over a month. Either people are getting desperate… or they're pretending the interest rate doesn't exist.

Yes, rates are still hovering around 7%.
But it’s June, and the summer housing delusion is strong. Everyone suddenly remembers they want a backyard and a guest room they’ll never use.

Even refinancing saw a tiny boost, because why not suffer twice?
It's the classic buyer’s logic: "If I don’t buy now, someone else will… and then I’ll have to rent from them."

Suburban rentals are booming—because owning is now for Marvel villains and hedge funds.

Tenants are flooding suburban markets they can’t afford to buy into, driving up rents in metro-adjacent areas. It’s the white picket fence dream—now with a landlord and three roommates.

Cities like Dallas, Boston, and Atlanta are leading the trend.
These once-affordable suburbs are now mini metropolises with Whole Foods prices and 1990s appliances. Tenants are trading “close to work” for “close to a Walmart.”

The American Dream now comes with a lease agreement.
You can’t afford to own it—but you can rent it, stage it for Instagram, and pretend you do.

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BREAKING NEWS
This Week’s Headlines

🇮🇱 Israel releases footage of Tehran strikes, claims drone attack was blocked.
Nothing says de-escalation like GoPro footage of jets buzzing foreign capitals.

🗣️ Trump says he wants a “real end” to Iran-Israel conflict.
Which, knowing Trump, means a peace deal signed in gold Sharpie and announced on Truth Social.

🧺 30 Palestinians killed near food aid centers in latest Gaza shootings.
Starving civilians getting gunned down for standing in line—Middle East diplomacy at its most efficient.

✈️ Trump leaves G7 early, warns Tehran to evacuate.
When the former president says "heads up," it’s less metaphor and more airstrike forecast.

🕊️ The Middle East peace process is now officially a live-streamed demolition derby.
Everyone’s talking about peace—right after showing off who’s got the biggest drone.

FUN
Riddle Me This

I rise when there's fear,
I fall when there’s cheer.
I live in the minds of CNBC men—
And I vanish the second the Fed hits 10.
What am I?

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ADVICE
This Week’s Business Advice

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