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- The Cynic: April 9
The Cynic: April 9
BUSINESS
This Week’s Business News
Trump Tariffs Go Turbo: Now 125% More Freedom-Flavored

REUTERS | Nathan Howard
Trump’s tariff strategy just hit 125%, and global markets are doing cartwheels in traffic.
What began as a 104% levy on Chinese imports quickly upgraded to a full-blown trade spectacle, proving that consistency is overrated when you can have drama. The National Retail Federation expects a 20% drop in imports—but hey, that’s just free market detox.
China fired back with an 84% tariff and a nervous twitch in the yuan.
The euro flinched, the ECB blinked, and suddenly, America’s unpredictable trade policy is looking less like chaos and more like global choreography. Nike and Best Buy are now redefining "value" as "pay more, appreciate the scarcity."
Back home, coal is making a comeback—for AI.
Because if you're going to power the future, you may as well do it with the most nostalgic rock on Earth. Between tighter immigration and leaner federal agencies, the administration is betting on sovereignty, self-reliance, and just a dash of old-school combustion.
Apple Gets EU-Slapped, Tesla Plays Amnesia, Delta Spirals—Wall Street Claps Anyway

CNBC
Apple’s walled garden is now a public park with suspicious signage.
Thanks to the EU’s Digital Markets Act, Apple has been forced to allow third-party app stores and payment systems, sending its moat springing leaks like a forgotten kiddie pool. Add in scrutiny over its $20 billion Google search deal, and suddenly Apple stock looks less “blue chip” and more “blue screen.”
Tesla settled a lawsuit, then immediately pitched robotaxis—because timing is comedy.
Just days after dodging a courtroom drama over its Autopilot system, Tesla announced its next act: fully self-driving robotaxis. Investors applauded like nothing happened, reminding us all that Tesla stock runs on vibes, not memories.
Meanwhile, Delta’s stock nosedived after the government asked them to stop being sneaky.
New rules targeting surprise airline fees and delayed flight refunds hit carriers like Delta where it hurts: their “miscellaneous revenue” empire. Suddenly, the skies look a little less friendly—and a lot more accountable.
Meta Allegedly Helped China, Denies Everything—Must Be a Day Ending in Y

A former Meta exec is airing dirty laundry—and it’s made in China.
Sarah Wynn-Williams, a seven-year veteran of Meta’s policy team, is testifying before Congress that the company cozied up to the Chinese Communist Party, allegedly compromising U.S. national security in the process. Because when it comes to American values, few things say “commitment” like helping an authoritarian regime filter their feed.
Meta, of course, denied everything—because denial is practically a product line.
Spokesperson Andy Stone called the accusations false and “divorced from reality,” which is a bold statement from a company that once built a dating feature no one asked for and thought the Metaverse would replace reality entirely.
Congress is now investigating whether Meta built tools for Chinese censorship—and whether they stopped only because it was a bad PR look.
The company insists it never operated in China and shelved those ideas back in 2019. So, nothing to see here—except years of winks, nudges, and maybe a prototype or two labeled “free speech optional.”
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REAL ESTATE
This Week’s Real Estate News
China's Housing Market Implodes, U.S. Tariffs Itself in Solidarity

George Rose | Getty Images
China’s housing market is sinking like a granite countertop in quicksand.
Once the glittering engine of China’s economy, its real estate sector is now hemorrhaging value—Fitch expects another 4–6% drop this year. Even after desperate government interventions like axing mortgage minimums and having local officials buy unsold homes like clearance items, the market still looks like a luxury condo built on sand.
Analysts say foreign investors might flee to U.S. real estate—just in time to pay more for less.
Luxury homes could see a bump in demand from Chinese buyers looking for a safer bet, but any benefit is getting steamrolled by our own trade policies. Thanks to new tariffs on imports from China, Mexico, and Canada, the cost of building a home in the U.S. just jumped by up to $10,000. America: where we shoot ourselves in the wallet to prove a point.
If there’s a housing crisis coming, we’ve got front-row seats and brought our own problems.
Between tariffs, affordability issues, and economic whiplash, we don’t need to borrow disaster from Beijing. So before we worry about China’s falling cranes, maybe we should look at our own crumbling scaffolding.
DOGE Denies Existing While Secretly Moving Into GSA Like It's Rent-Free

Federal News Network
DOGE is everywhere—and nowhere, apparently.
Acting GSA Administrator Stephen Ehikian swears “there’s nobody working for DOGE here,” which is interesting given that DOGE officials have more access to his office than he does. If this is government efficiency, it's efficiency by quantum mechanics—simultaneously present and denied.
The GSA’s transparency is about as clear as a fog machine at a rave.
From the FBI HQ selection scandal to ties with transit authorities that conveniently own the winning site, the GSA has perfected the art of plausible deniability. When the House Oversight Committee smells a rat, GSA responds with a cheerful shrug and a stack of redacted PDFs.
It’s bureaucracy’s version of hide-and-seek—only no one’s actually seeking.
With DOGE quietly camping out on the sixth floor and everyone pretending they aren’t, this is less about oversight and more about interpretive government performance art. Accountability? Never heard of her.
Chicago Real Estate Broker Heads to Jail—Tries to Write Off Orange Jumpsuit as Business Casual

Getty Images
Another broker, another perp walk.
A Chicago real estate broker has been sentenced to four years in prison and ordered to repay over $2 million after pulling off a fraud scheme so textbook, it might as well be required reading in Scam 101.
Chicago’s real estate scene: where fraud is a group sport.
From Laurance Freed’s Block 37 boondoggle to Sean “Mini Madoff” Grusd’s $23 million investor scam, the city seems to hand out financial scandal plots like hot dogs at a Cubs game.
At this point, real estate fraud is just part of the skyline.
The sentence might look tough on paper, but in a city where developers treat ethics like optional upgrades, it feels more like a membership fee than a deterrent.
“At some point, we need to stop depending on everything coming from other countries.
It's time you idiots stop thinking about what's in it for you and think about the country that you live in. THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. ONE NATION UNDER GOD.”
NEWS
This Week’s Headlines
GOP holdouts headed to White House to talk budget - Politico
Live updates and analysis from POLITICO’s Congress team.
Trump's foreign policies: What do Americans think? - BBC
Most Americans do not believe the US should try to take over Greenland or Gaza, a Pew Research survey suggests.
'White Lotus' drama: Creator Mike White claps back at show composer's criticism - USA Today
"The White Lotus" drama continues two days after the Season 3 finale. Creator Mike White responds to criticism from composer Cristóbal Tapia de Veer.
Tariffs on China set to rise to at least 104% on Wednesday, White House says - CNN
President Donald Trump is set to impose an additional 84% in levies across all Chinese imports on Wednesday, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt announced on Tuesday. That will mean all goods from the country are subject to a tariff of at least 104%.
Nuggets fire head coach Michael Malone after 10 seasons, source says - The Denver Post
Less than two full seasons after winning their first NBA championship, the Nuggets have cleaned house with three games remaining in the 2024-25 regular season.
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ADVICE
This Week’s Business Advice
‘‘Disrupt your market by not only thinking outside the box but vaporizing that box.”
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