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- The Cynic: April 25
The Cynic: April 25
The Cynic
April 25, 2025
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BUSINESS
This Week’s Business News
DoorDash Wants to Buy Deliveroo—Because Nothing Says 'Healthy Business' Like Acquiring a Struggling One
REUTERS | Nathan Howard
Deliveroo is getting Deliveroo'd.
DoorDash has offered to buy the UK-based food delivery company for $3.6 billion—roughly what it cost to Uber a burrito in 2021. Deliveroo’s stock has tanked since its IPO, and DoorDash saw a discounted buffet opportunity.
The acquisition is basically a corporate rescue mission in a bike helmet.
Deliveroo exited Hong Kong last month, got steamrolled by inflation and low-margin malaise, and suddenly DoorDash is offering it a cozy spot on the U.S. tech life raft.
If at first you don’t profit, acquire someone who’s losing money faster.
It’s not clear if this deal will fix anything, but it will definitely make DoorDash bigger—because in tech, mass is often mistaken for momentum.
Intel Forecasts a Blah Future, Investors Respond Appropriately (By Selling Everything)
Reuters
Intel gave investors a peek at the future—and it was a beige desktop running Windows Vista.
The chipmaker posted decent Q1 results, but its outlook was as exciting as a printer manual. Shares dropped nearly 4%, and analysts started blinking in Morse code for “please help.”
Turns out semiconductors can’t outpace trade wars.
China, which buys a lot of Intel’s stuff, might slap up to 85% tariffs on U.S. chips. Meanwhile, customers are stockpiling old processors like it’s Y2K again.
CEO’s plan? More layoffs and mandatory office time.
New boss Lip-Bu Tan is cutting costs, slashing headcount, and dragging employees back to their desks four days a week. Because clearly, fluorescent lighting fixes everything.
New SEC Chair to Crypto: Let’s Try This Without Chaos This Time
Peter Johnson | REUTERS
Crypto bros, your vibe check has arrived.
New SEC chair Paul Atkins wants clearer rules for the crypto industry, which is a polite way of saying “stop treating regulation like it’s optional.”
The SEC has gone from “nope” to “let’s talk.”
Under Gary Gensler, the SEC was basically allergic to crypto. Atkins is walking that back, promising fewer lawsuits and more structure—kind of like turning a frat house into a condo board.
Still, no free pass.
Atkins warned that bad actors will still get smacked—especially if they’re Chinese companies pretending not to exist. But if you're mostly legit, the new vibe is less “handcuffs” and more “compliance packet.”
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REAL ESTATE
This Week’s Real Estate News
March Home Sales Drop, Realtors Blame... Pretty Much Everything
George Rose | Getty Images
Spring home sales are down—because of course they are.
Despite the flowers blooming and open houses multiplying like rabbits, existing home sales fell in March. And you guessed it: blame high rates, high prices, and homeowners who refuse to sell unless it’s for the GDP of Portugal.
Inventory is low because no one wants to leave their 3% mortgage.
Why would anyone sell their affordable pandemic palace to move into a place with a 7% rate and a backyard smaller than a yoga mat?
Buyers are still buying—just more selectively, and with mild trauma.
Homes are still selling, but it’s more of a “begrudging transaction” than a bidding war. Think quiet desperation, but with escrow.
NYC Lists Most Expensive Home Ever—Because Why Not
Federal News Network
New York just listed a $250 million condo—because affordable housing is for other cities.
The 96th-floor penthouse at Central Park Tower just hit the market with a price tag that could fund an entire mid-sized town. But sure, let’s see if it gets full ask.
The apartment has seven bedrooms, a private ballroom, and the privilege of judging everyone below you.
It’s the kind of listing where the word “custom” appears 76 times and “property taxes” are something your assistant deals with.
It’s been listed before… and hasn’t sold.
Turns out even billionaires get sticker shock. But maybe this time someone really needs a ballroom above the clouds.
Mortgage Demand Plunges as Rates Hit New High—Again
Getty Images
Mortgage demand dropped nearly 13%—because interest rates are now daring people to stay renters forever.
With rates at their highest in two months, most buyers responded by closing their laptops and going outside instead.
Refinance applications also dropped, which is impressive considering there were about five people still doing that.
Most folks already refi’d at 2.5%. The rest are either procrastinators or eternal optimists.
Rates are back up because inflation won’t leave and the Fed won’t blink.
It’s a standoff, and right now buyers are the ones stuck without cover.
"The Cynic is the only thing I read before making million-dollar decisions"
NEWS
This Week’s Headlines
A Boeing jet earmarked for China was returning to the United States on Friday as the planemaker's flagship delivery plant was drawn into a deepening tariff war.
The 2025 NFL Draft is less than a week away
Russian President Vladimir Putin has announced a temporary Easter ceasefire in Ukraine starting Saturday, citing humanitarian reasons. Russia and Ukraine meanwhile swapped hundreds of captured soldiers in the largest exchange since Moscow’s full-scale invasio…
SportsLine expert Matt Severance, who has returned $4,452 on all NBA picks, reveals his NBA playoff predictions for Game 1 of the Milwaukee Bucks vs. Indiana Pacers
Ryan Coogler and Michael B. Jordan's 'Sinners' bit into a solid opening day. 'A Minecraft Movie' crossed $300 million at the domestic box office.
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ADVICE
This Week’s Business Advice
"If you're not solving a real problem, you're just selling a more expensive version of someone else's mistake."
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